Personal Growth in our Relationship

Relationships are challenging because they involve two distinct individuals with varying needs, desires, and opinions. When the needs and desires of the individuals do not match, there are usually disagreements, disappointments, and disillusionment. With conscious intention and effort, we can use our relationships to heal and transform our lives. This new model for relationships consists of four steps:

1) Experiencing and understanding your own feelings deeply: This is the most important factor to stay, maintain and grow in any relationship, especially in a marital bond. Learning to focus inwardly will take practice since many of us have spent very little time focusing on ourselves and how we actually feel. If we cannot understand or are unaware of our own feelings and emotions then it’s very difficult for us to express our own needs and expectations to our better half and vice versa. The key is to take the time to remove ourselves from the situation and feel what is actually going on inside. This gives us time to calmly reflect so we can act instead of react. Then only we can proceed to the next step.

2) Expressing yourself clearly and openly to your partner: This is the next step after we understand ourselves properly. The second step of this new model is expressing ourselves clearly and honestly to our partner while having equal empathy, or appreciation, for our partner's feelings. There should be transparency between both of the couples. They should always be open to each other in every matter and situation. This step involves telling our partner the truth about how we feel. It is important to avoid the tendency to fall back on old patterns of relating such as making our partner wrong, going numb, playing out dramas based on old hurts, or entering into power struggles. To communicate clearly we need to go beyond blame and judgment and tell the truth about our experience.

3) Experiencing and understanding your partner’s feelings deeply: Just think if we don’t understand our partner’s feelings and emotions, what will happen. Our family may break. It is very important for a husband and a wife to understand each other’s feelings and emotions. Showing both sympathy and empathy in different times as needed is important.

4) Taking responsibility for our own behaviours: “Action speaks louder than the words”. In that case each of us should think twice before expressing ourselves about the effect or result of our behaviour because we cannot take it back or withdraw later. Each word, each action or reaction has an eternal effect. So the bottom line is the spouses should be responsible for their behaviour. Although difficult at first, this step can lead to a much greater understanding of our reactive patterns of behavior and can accelerate our personal growth dramatically.

When we learn to do this, our relationships can reach a deeper level of understanding and become a vehicle for our personal growth and fulfillment. Practicing the three steps of the new paradigm -- taking responsibility for our actions and reactions, experiencing our feelings deeply, and expressing ourselves completely -- will result in an enormous shift in our relationships, both with our partner and out in the world. Our communication will be clearer and more honest, we will gain greater respect for others, and ourselves and we will experience a greater sense of personal power, love, and joy in our lives.

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