How to React to Criticism

The ability to listen to criticism is an essential skill for anyone. This ability is the foundation on which relationships are built and nurtured. To most people, criticism is like an attack. So you may find the reactions to a criticism from protest to helpless surrender. You may, in fact, be tempted to run and hide, or get defensive.

There’s, however, a better alternative. Instead of fighting criticism as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon, we may enhance others’ respect for us simply by becoming less defensive. Try to listen actively and respond with sympathy, and determine as objectively as possible what needs to be done to rectify the situation. Besides, who knows, you may find a priceless gem hidden in those words that, at first, you felt you could live without. The person's words may hurt, but they will hurt less if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don't agree with.

It’s best not to retaliate immediately and intensify the conflict. If we react too fast, there is a danger of discarding something that is valid. Or probably, by defending against criticism, we may unnecessarily give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted.

When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a "list of complaints" that we have accumulated with each other. And when you offend your partner/friend, a counterattack game begins — "Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?!"

Instead of counterattack, listen to the feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not. Avoid paying back especially when one of you is unreasonable and not in a receptive mood. When we need to prove the other person is as "bad as we are" or worse, we are neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address the issue the other person has brought up, and bring up our own issue later.

In team work, how we get our own work done is often dependent on how well other people do their jobs. So, frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to pass the buck and blame our poor performance on other’s lack of contribution.

At such a time, ask questions, such as, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or, "if the team member cannot have her part of the project on time, how would you suggest I deal with it?"

If the feedback is about your own performance and not related to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can just start by asking for more information.

You can ask for additional details about how the peer sees the problem. You can use questions such as, "If you think I shouldn't have criticized the quality of Ashok's work, should I just accept however he does it, or should I express my dissatisfaction differently?"

At some point you may wish to disagree with part or all of what the person is saying. However, if you respond to criticism by gathering more information, you will gain respect. Also, if the other person’s arguments are irrelevant, your questions may prompt her or him to re-think the criticism.

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