The Marriage Tip of All Marriage Tips

I was delighted to hear my father-in-law speak at a recent wedding. He has been happily married for over 50 years and says one of the most important marriage tips is never to be afraid to say "I'm sorry". If you do this, he claimed, you can expect many happy years of married life.
These two short and easy words can work wonders. A second before you said them, your spouse might have been scowling at you, feeling hurt and angry. As soon as you apologize, his expression will completely change. The face muscles will relax and your spouse will forgive you and everything will be back to normal.
You might think this sounds easy but there is a lot of difference in how men and women view these two words. Women find apologizing easier than most men. Men find it hard to say and don't always see how important it is.
This results in a problem. Women might think a man is not sorry just because he hasn't said so (when often this is not the case). Also, a man might misinterpret the woman's need to hear it as a lack of self-confidence and think she is dependent on him (this might also not be the case). Men should swallow their pride and say "I'm sorry" when they need to and women need to realize that a man can feel guilty about what he did to upset her, although they don't always express this feeling. Realizing this from both a male and female perspective could prevent a lot of problems in marriages.
As with all marriage tips, it is not enough merely to realize it is important. You also have to know how to carry it out.
Here are some practical marriage tips about how to apologize effectively:
• If you mess up, take full responsibility. Don't make your spouse a party to what happened. If you say, "sorry I spilt wine on the rug but don't fill my glass so full next time", this is a half-hearted apology along with a dig at your partner. "I'm sorry I spilt wine on the rug" is a better apology and should get immediate forgiveness (we all have little accidents!)
• Apologize for how you made the other person feel as well as apologizing for what happened. "I'm sorry I came home so late. I know you must have been worried", is a better way of saying sorry than, "I'm sorry I came home so late," which makes it sound like you are only saying sorry because you are expected to.
• Be specific when making an apology. "Sorry for all the times I upset you," is too generalized and sounds like a politician trying to cover everything. This is also called a "non-apology apology". If there is something you want to apologize for, name it.
• Use timing wisely. If you did something small (in the other person's eyes, not yours) this isn't so important. If you step on your spouse's toe, an immediate, "oops - sorry" is fine because it's not a big deal and things like that happen. If you need to apologize for something bigger, wait until there is quiet time and then apologize properly. Don't do it when she is running out of the house to take the kids to school or interrupt her when she's on the phone.
• You can explain what happened but try not to lay blame.
Marriage tips are helpful but seldom work miracles. You cannot expect your spouse to accept every apology immediately. If you have upset them a great deal, forgiveness takes time. State how sorry you are about what you did and wait for it to work. You will both be glad of the results.

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