Why is it difficult for some of us to go across and say we need help?

Why is it difficult for some of us to go across and say we need help? Or accept help when it’s offered without strings? Could be one or a combo of these: First, fear of the two-letter brush-off. What if they say “No”? What if they are too busy to help? Can I step into their time?

Second, feeling vulnerable. What if they think I’m incapable? What if the boss finds out? What if the neighbour broadcasts a juicy story out of it? Aren’t we supposed to be rugged individuals fully geared to meet our needs?

Three, all through school and college we were taught to be “independent”. “Do it yourself” mom told us pushing the toothbrush into our palm before we could reach the washbasin. “Do it yourself!” the teacher said, writing home-work on the blackboard corner. In college, you needed to leave your personal stamp even on project work. It’s ‘cool’ to be different, individualistic! I am me!

Four, the question ‘Whom to ask?’ could be a put-down. Who is qualified and willing? What if the only capable colleague is a junior? What will this upstart think?

Five, the major hurdle is the high-ego. That mental block that drives you in circles, but won’t let you stop for directions. “I can’t be wrong! I’ll look incompetent, even silly!” Sad, spurning help may have in-built danger. You need help with a project, you won’t ask and you put off working on it. Till the deadline stares in your face. There are times when asking for help is an absolute necessity.

Like you’d want your kid to seek help when in trouble.

Ask only those capable of offering what you need. Why embarrass someone who has the spirit but not the substance?

Go for it well in advance. You can’t say, “I need this info. Can you get it for me in a couple of minutes?” Maybe you can, only it won’t fetch what you want. Also, be specific about your need – whether it’s solutions, info, reference, expertise or advice. Give references, dates, numbers, whatever.

Present your problem in an interesting way. Make it sound like a riddle. Use a respectful tone. Be alert to their response. Is that a real “yes” or a “no” clothed in “yes”?

Still diffident? Stand in front of the mirror every morning, adjust your face to a pleasant, um, appealing expression. Practise these sentences: “X, I’m in trouble. I need your help. I don’t want to go to anyone else.” And/Or, “Hey, there’s no one else who can solve this, yaar.” Be prepared to accept what comes. Reject it a couple of times, the shutters will come down. Who would want to help someone who reacts with a “No, that won’t work”?

Ah, and be very warm in your appreciation. Show you’re grateful. Make the other party feel glad to have helped. It’s not just courtesy, it’s commonsense. Also offer to pay back. “Thanks pal, I owe you one!”

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